She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Boobs speak an international language.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
Randomize
