She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
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