So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
