I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
