Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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