$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
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