How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
