she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
