How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
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