Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
We have so much sex to catch up on
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Randomize
