Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
If I die, sorry about rent.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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