Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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