Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
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