Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
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