I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
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