I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
