fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
