he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
