we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
did i just pee glitter
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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