I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
