20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
