U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Randomize
