Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
