I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
Randomize
