the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
