Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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