I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
