i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
