mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
Randomize
