2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
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