I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
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