Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
Randomize
