That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
