Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
