and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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