I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize
