I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
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