remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Randomize
