I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
