so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
