Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
What happened to fro yo and sex?
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize
