Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
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