Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
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