I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
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