So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Randomize
