I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
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It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
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I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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