Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
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