He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
