Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
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