So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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