he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
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