My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
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