the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I just gift wrapped bread.
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Randomize
