hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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