I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Is Oprah even human
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
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