ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
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