im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
