nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
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