when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
My underwear smells like fireworks.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Randomize
